Saturday, April 5, 2008

When your world spins out of control...Part 1

Forgive me, but I need to "talk". Not to anyone in particular, and I don't even really know what I want to say, I just feel the need to vent.

I started this blog nearly a year ago. I didn't post much, as I had another blog--well 3 blogs actually--under a different name, that were more relevant to my situation then. But keeping in mind that my ultimate goal since my last trip to Egypt in November-December 2006 was going back permanently, I started this one. Kind of gave me hope for the day when I would actually be there, and be blogging as a true expat. There's so much to love about Egypt--and so many funny stories to tell--that this blog was kind of like a candle burning in the window...something I could turn to when I needed to focus on my way home. As the days drew nearer to my departure date, I put more effort into this one, and closed 2 of the other 3. It took time and effort but finally I not only had a plan but a schedule as well. Booked the estate sale, figured out my budget, found a buyer for my car thinking I would have the title by then...just made so many plans! But as Allah says in the Holy Qu'ran, He is the best of planners. For whatever reason, so many factors have prevented me from booking my tickets. Totally unexpected expenses, completely out of left field, not the least of which is the money I just spent on my beloved dogs. Subhannah Allah. As of right now, I still have some hope for booking soon, but again, it is in Allah's hands. I tie my camel, but must trust Allah.

On another note, there seem to be so many serious misunderstandings with my loved ones these days. I blame myself. I figure it must be all the stress I am under trying to get to Egypt. In short, I am a nervous wreck. I know my dear friends have commented that everything will happen in Allah's time. I am not supposed to be there yet. True enough. But as much as I beg Allah each day to give me patience and a clear mind, I seem to be failing at that as well. And so, miscommunication with those I love deeply abound. I seem to have a serious problem expressing myself in a way that doesn't do more harm than good. And I have no idea why. Which reminds me of that crazy fall I took--I wonder if my brain really was affected by that???

I'm not writing this to complain. I'm writing to try and make sense of it all. Like today...I took Alexa out for a walk and remembering Kenya, started to cry and couldn't stop. I asked Allah "WHY?" Not because I doubt His wisdom or am angry with Him. God forbid! It's not that kind of "why". It's the "why" you ask when you desperately want to understand something. I'm not questioning the qadr of Allah, but wishing so desperately to make sense of it all. Because I think only by understanding the whys of it all can I remain sane. There has to be a reason right? Why cant I find the answers? And because nothing is making sense to me these days, because I have no answers, I feel my world is spinning out of control. And even then, I ask why.

And then tonight, while looking for another verse of Quran I wanted to include in this post, I found this...“Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.” [Al Qur’an 2 :155]

And in the time it has taken me to write this post, I feel my world being reeled back in. The answer to "why" is just that...all of this is a test!!! It addresses every thing I have experienced of late...fear, hunger, loss in goods (or the value thereof), loss of life, and my labor.

And then I remembered this verse..."Do people think that they will be left alone merely saying, ‘We believe!’ and not be tested?" [Al Qur’an 29 :2] And so I looked up the verse in order to cite it correctly and give the chapter and verse number and found it here. I urge you to read this profound discourse by Imam Zaid Shakir. The whole of it is amazing and comforting, and may Allah reward him for this work because surely the truths he tells are a comfort and a guidance to whomever reads them.

So between the time I started writing this post and it's end, I have come to understand "WHY?" And feel the peace of understanding, and ultimately, acceptance.

As much as I started this blog in preparation for going to Egypt, I feel Allah is preparing me as well. Only He knows what I will face there. Is He testing me to be strong for the days and years ahead? Only time will tell. But my life here in USA and getting ready to leave is as much a part of the expat experience as actually being there. Stay tuned as the test continues...


Spicy Bug said...

How is your mom?

Queen O'Danile said...

Hanging in there--she ended up at Mercy--been there since Friday--I think the pain in her side is now secondary to low BP. Will get more info from her MDs tomorrow. Love ya Bug!