Saturday, February 23, 2008

Panic Mode

Panic...sheer, unadulterated panic!!!! That's all I feel right now! I got a call yesterday morning from the estate seller. Calling to confirm the sale for March 2. Yes, it's still on I tell her. OK, she says, because it has to go into the newspaper today so I just wanted to make sure. Yes, I tell her, every thing's a GO!

Then she drops the bomb. She and her crew will be here Tuesday morning to set up for the sale. Bright and early 8:30 AM. Price and set up everything! Tuesday!, I cant come later in the week? No, she's going out of town and everything has to be done Tuesday. So I tell her it's fine and hang up the phone.

I sit in shock for a few moments. Then waves of anxiety and nausea rush through me. On so many levels I am so not ready! First, it's just that there's still so much to do. So many things I cant lift or carry alone that need to be moved. OK, I tell myself, put that out of your mind for now. Just get done with what you can do. I try to remember the wise words of my son, that somehow along the line he says he learned from me...Everything always works out in the end.

Did I teach him that? Oh Allah where is he when I need him? A 6 hour drive away! I could sure use him right now. I could use his strong arms to move the things I need to move, and also around me in a big bear hug. He's tall and strong, and always knows how to comfort me. Keep me calm. But like his siblings, all grown and gone far away, he is not able to come in now. Two of them will be in after the sale, the strong one and his big sister. The "baby" is too far away and can't get the time off.

So for once in my life...when I think I really need them, they can't be here. It seems Allah knows I can do this alone. He never burdens a soul with more than it can bear. Ya Allah, You are the best of planners. You know what I do not. There's a reason for everything. One day, maybe I will understand. But right now I'm just trying to control the panic.

There are other reasons for the fear I feel coursing through me. I found out yesterday as well that my airline misquoted the price for extra pieces of luggage. They first told me $50 per bag. It is actually $150!!! Huge difference huh? That really limits me in what I can take. And means that maybe I should sell things I had originally wanted to take with me. Decisions, decisions, and my brain is not up to making any more decisions at this point! Can you feel me pulling my hair out by the roots?

My family in Egypt is in much the same situation. They have been waiting for over a year to take possession of a villa given to them for their use by the company our "Baba" works for. Six months ago only, work finally began on renovating the place. Until now they are renovating. Everything takes so much time in Egypt. Insha Allah bukrah, maa lish! (God willing, tomorrow, sorry about that!) Here, the opposite is true...everything needs to be done yesterday, yet both are equally nerve-wracking. So while I am still running around like a chicken with its head cut off, they sit on mountains of packed boxes, waiting for the word they can move. Subhannah Allah, life is a strange contradiction. And as they say in Egypt...youm asl youm basl. One day honey, the next onions. I'd like to see some honey right about now. Insha Allah.

Among my other fears, is a bittersweet relationship I am dealing with long distance. Someone is waiting for me in Egypt. Someone very special. A good, kind and, most importantly, deeply religious man who wants to marry me. What started out purely as knowing each other for Allah has turned into the subject of marriage. And while this is quite the miracle, with me having no plans or ideas to begin another relationship, especially while still here in the USA, this has taken on a life of its own. Allah dropped this one into my lap. Quite unexpectedly. Yet dare I look a gift horse in the mouth? In fact, it has brought me much peace and gotten me through some dark days here...days which I might not have passed so easily had it not been for his kindness and reminding me always to rely on Allah...and then offering himself to rely on as well. Subhannah Allah, if I could have dreamed this, it wouldn't have been more perfect. Yet, at the same time, it is one more matter to consider. Because once you care about someone so much, it adds another concern to the ever-growing list. Yet, Allah in His infinite wisdom has chosen this for me. I need to see it through until the end...whatever that will be...whatever Allah has written for us.

So let me end this post on a lighter note. I have been through worse in this life, for sure. And I survived my the mercy of Allah. Insha Allah, this too shall pass. Time for me to put my big girl panties on and just wing it. Insha Allah soon I'll be posting from Egypt and all this will be behind me. And I'll probably be laughing about it. Inna maa al usry, yusra...with hardship comes ease.

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